– Swaddle baby and rock to sleep. Place gently in crib. Tip-toe away. Feel hope bubbling up inside you… you have time to make a cup of coffee!
– Heat water in tea kettle. While water is heating, grind coffee beans. Don’t worry, none of this will wake the baby. If you’d like to vacuum the house or practice a little chainsaw art, that is also acceptable.
– Place grounds in French press and pour in the hot water. Let steep several minutes before pressing the coffee. During this time, set up a cozy nest of blankets and pillows with maybe a book to keep you company while you enjoy your coffee. Grab your favorite mug (happy humming optional). You’re almost there!
– Pour coffee into mug. You will immediately hear your baby scream, obviously woken by the delicious whisper and froth of the coffee swirling into your mug. Congratulations! Your baby has the hearing of a bat. Go investigate crying.
– As you enter the room, your baby’s eyes will pop open and she will give you a big cheeky grin. Apparently naptime is over. This development would be more frustrating if that baby wasn’t so cute, dagnabbit.
– Change the baby’s diaper.
– Baby suddenly remembers she is ravenous and immediately bursts into tears. Cast a longing glance at your mug of coffee as you walk past the kitchen and settle onto the couch to feed the baby.
– Change the baby’s diaper again.
– Set baby down to play. Check coffee. By this time it should be right in that sweet spot between lukewarm and frigid. Briefly ponder drinking it as is (it’s not THAT scummy…) but then decide you’re not THAT desperate (yet). Pour coffee into saucepan and place on stove to reheat.
– Baby is bored and will be crying again. Pick up baby. About now, a blowout will inevitably hit.
– Change baby out of dirty clothes and apply stain remover (your shirt was probably a casualty as well. Sorry). Send Husband a melodramatic text about how you are having a Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and are definitely considering sending the baby to Australia. Take a deep breath. Visualize that coffee. Focus on that particularly cute smile your baby is directing your way (how can you be so cheery when you have done this to Mommy?). Bathe, dry, and dress baby.
– You’re feeling better now, cuddling that cute little chubbers close and getting lost in the sweet scent of clean baby hair. Mmm. Being a Mom is the best ever.
– Suddenly remember coffee. Dash into kitchen to find it has boiled away to a dark sludge. Crestfallen, wash the pot. Good feelings gone. Meanwhile, baby is tired and hungry again, so the crying has commenced. Feel your heart start to race and the panic set in. NEED TO FEED BABY! Decide tea will suffice. Heat water and pour over tea bag to steep.
– Scoop up crying baby and settle in to feed her. Those sniffles! So pathetic and yet so cute. Your heart melts. “This is better than coffee,” says your shoulder angel. “But what if you could have this AND coffee?” pipes up the shoulder devil. Oh hush.
– Baby falls asleep eating. Gently place baby in crib and go check on tea. Cold and bitter. Mmm. Dump down drain and put on the water to make coffee again. Hope springs eternal. :)
DISCLAIMER: This is a dramatization. I would not actually consider sending my child to Australia.
~ ~ ~
Although this used to be the story of my life, now that Beatrice is 4 months old she actually takes real naps (hallelujah!), and after I put her down for her morning nap at 9am, I (usually) get to make my coffee and drink it too. So, to any other new moms out there, the struggle is real but there is also light at the end of the tunnel (and coffee). :)